Thursday, April 22, 2010

Matka calling the Kadhai black

Beneath the 'mind it's, rascallas and bright green clothes, there is a definite dose of spite and smugness that carries through with the bollywood perception of the south Indian movie industries (there are more then one and they are not the same, believe me). As much as I can justify the lack of quality in these other '-ollywoods', there is little that can save these smug faces from these monstrosities.
List of originally dreadful hindi box office hits:
This list is not complete! It is only a set of the most abominable movies that were not copied or inspired, that are considered to be popular hits among the self-stamped suave audience.
Just Missed it: Kaho naa...Pyaar hai
Ameesha Patel and Hrithik Roshan could have been just as famous modeling but they had to star in a movie and so you get their lackluster attempts to be cute. Hrithik did succeed but the results were not called cute. This movie however does not join the list because Hrithik Roshan set new levels for actors in physique and dancing abilities with this one. It made Govinda jump to politics.

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"Mujhe yeh dekhna hai ki meri aankhen tumhe kaise torture karti hain"

10. Karan Arjun
You should have gotten the idea when the heroes did not fight the villainous Amrish Puri well enough and died. But you stayed on the figure out the secret. How their powers were limited by their village garb and how pants, jackets and rebirth gave them a second chance at being macho. This movie would have been a critical hit if the villain had killed the irritating mom first (Rakhee Gulzar) and saved the more intelligent audience. But idiocy and Maa Kali prevailed and this apparition rocked the box office.

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"Mere bete aayenge"

9. Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum
I still can't believe that Khalid Mohammed gave this one five stars after he still held back one star for the 'Lagaan's and the 'Dil Chahta Hai's. That was the last day I read the Sunday Times of India. Back then, this was the most expensive Indian movie to date, primarily because of the glycerine costs. Karan Johar put together in random order, some baujis, kudis, rabs, saus, overacting and phoren locales and showered them in a thunderstorm of tears to create this piece of garbage that grossed more than those four stars put together. It is rumored that Kareena Kapoor was banned from the European Union after her attempts at an english accent.

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"Dharma Productions proudly present..."

8. Pardes
Subhash Ghai was never a quality director. He made movies for the sole purpose of making crappy cameos. His magnum opus before his next magnum opus was Pardes - deemed India's first movie made specially for NRI audiences. But even without the foreign exchange, this movie smashed box office records in all Indian sectors. Shahrukh Khan's overacting has always been ignored and largely appreciated by you but how could you have ignored the downright racist take on what cultures should be? For some reason this movie states that it was made to commemorate the 50th year of Indian independence though I am quite convinced that India will not survive to see 50 more if these movies are allowed to be made.

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"Sundar nahin bilkul bandar lag rahi ho"

7. Khiladiyon ka Khiladi
Aah yes, the movies that are made to cater to what the market likes. Raveena Tandon, Jai mata di, sleazy songs and wrestling. The then WWF had just exploded in India and Umesh Mehra (never made a buck again; not that he needed to though, thanks to you) capitalized. Outside the slight bit of logic where Akshay kumar survives a hovercraft running over him, this film is a three hour torture session with every actor looking their worst ever. The saving grace was some critically cited acting by the fake undertaker (Brian Lee) with the dialogue "Mujhse Panga"

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"Tumne undertaker ka naam to suna hi hoga"

6. Om Shanti Om
The things that you can get away with in the hindi industry when you have an aging Shahrukh Khan and a pretty faced heroine. Shahrukh Khan was not satisfied with one bad rebirth movie so he made another one to return with a six-pack. Farah Khan had a winning formula with regurgitating bollywood logistics from the seventies so she got cocky and decided to step it up a bit further and insult some names from the era (read: Manoj Kumar). Serves you right Mr. Kumar for making patriotic movies.

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost" (Oh no...)

5. Devdas
It is rather shameful that a substantial number of movies on this list are amongst the most expensive bollywood movies of their time. Okay, so this one was not originally bollywood but it had to figure on the list here because you spent money on watching this ghastly imitation of a brilliant novel. Overacting and more overacting. With lavish sets. Kiron Kher never got a decent movie after she made this.

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"hum sab tumhari barbadi mein zimmedaar hain"

4. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
What is worse than the Kajol-Khan combo? Kajol Khan and a child artist that you want to strangle. National Award for best wholesome entertainer. That should be proof enough for how flawed the national award system is. So don't humor Saif Ali Khan the next time he says he has one.

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"I don't like jokes. I don't like you."

3. Ajooba
Alright, so I am part of the cult that follows this movie too. But cult following does not have anything to do with box office success. This was the so-called western crossover movie of that time. Before the aged Rajnikanth and his peers, there was the aged Amit ji. Before the RA-one's, Krisshes and Sunny Deols there was Ajooba - the fantastic Robin-hoody goody superhero of Bahristan in medieval Arabia. Watch it someday.

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"Fauladi shaitan ko andha kar do"

2. Border
Jingoism. You make a video dictionary of the word and put any few minutes of the movie in it. Multiple bad actors alone cannot doom a movie, so you make them war heroes in a battlefield of testosterone, bash Pakistan and its people and claim that it is based on a real story. Don't watch it any day.

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"tumhe ulti kyon ho rahi hai?!"

1. Mohobbatein
Like you were expecting something else. Don't ever deny the fact that you saw this on the big screen; I will set my dog on your bed if you do. So the basic premise is discipline is bad and bringing scantily clad girls to a men's college is a good idea. Obviously Mr. Chopra, you had to use Shahrukh Khan - the awful hit maker - with a name starting with R, and feature five good looking kids and your neanderthal brother to launch him, but why did you have to oversimplify and kill tradition and discipline to make love look good? You have issues man. The worst thing about this movie is that my family spent 300 good rupees to see it and Scoobie was so pissed with it that he tore my dad's mattress that night. We have not seen a movie together ever since (well actually we did see Dasavatharam together after that, but that is another story for another day).

Dialogue that should have driven you away but did not:
"Happy Julaab day ji"

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